A Bag of Candy

Background:

Recently, I was cleaning up in my house and found a large supply of candy. This included Starburst, candy canes, Fruit Roll-ups, Smarties, and other sugar filled delights. Knowing I could not devour all of this candy alone, I decided to share with my AP Physics B class.

Actual Story:

My classmates were overwhelmed with my generosity and forgot the main rule of the civil delinquency. “Don’t get caught.” The teacher, Mrs. Margie Zoladz, quickly shut down the candy eating operation by walking over and grabbing the bag. Underestimating her most audacious student, she placed the back on the floor behind her desk.

The moment she turned to the board to work the next problem, I hit the deck in full secret agent mode. I crawled on hands and knees around the back of the classroom and up to her desk. Grabbing the bag of candy, I quickly returned to my desk distributing candy and the bag along the return trip. My giggling classmates once again broke the rule of civil delinquency, “Don’t get caught.”

Mrs. Zoladz knew who the culprit was but without evidence she could only threaten me with ISS (In School Suspension) if the bag was not returned within 10 seconds. My fellow students had my bag and gave her the bag. This time, she took better precautions and locked the bag in a cabinet. And thus, the candy struggle ended fairly peacefully. Or so I thought.

The next morning, to my surprise, I learned that Mrs. Zoladz had given away the rest of my candy in classes latter in the day. Not only that, she had blamed me for the loss of the active pen (which I had nothing to do with). This infuriated me. I had only one choice. Retaliation.

A few minutes after the bell that signals halfway through class rang, I stood up walked toward the door and cleared my throat. When all eyes were on me I began speaking.

“Four score and seven years ago, a force of oppression was born in Mexico. This force goes by the name of Mrs. Zoladz. Mrs. Zoladz has starved ravenous students’ taste buds of refined sugars and aritificial sweeterners. On the threat of ISS, students cannot have what is rightfully theirs.

I have a dream that one day out sons and daughters will live free. I have a dream that our brothers and sisters can eat candy of all colors whenever they choose. I have a dream.”

I walked out the door, slammed it behind me, and went home.

The End

An alternate ending:

Looking back, I realize that I should have stood on the desk to give my speech. Upon the recommendation of Robert Sanek I changed my original speech around to read as above. The following is the first attempt.

“Four score and seven years ago a force of oppression was born in Mexico. This force goes by the name of Mrs. Zoladz.

She has stolen the food from the poor school child. Mrs. Zoladz has starved the taste buds of entire populations. Starving children, who were crying from hunger pains, tried to steal a tiny morsel. Insensitive to their suffering, Mrs. Zoladz threatens to throw them in prison.

It is time for us good citizens to throw off this oppression. We need to free ourselves from this foreign tyranny. We have suffered too long. It is now time to drive the foreign devil from our homeland.

I have a dream that one day out sons and daughters will live free. I have a dream that our brothers and sisters can eat candy of all colors when they choose. I have a dream.”

Post Scriptum:

This post gives an unrealistic view of what goes on in Physics. To set the record straight, Mrs. Zoladz is a wonderful teacher and AP Physics B is one of the best classes I have taken at Vigil Ivan Grissom High School. Thanks to Mrs. Zoladz’s wonderful sense of humor she made this possible.

But, this is not to say that any of the above is not true. It is all fact. It actually happened the way I said it happened.

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