As a male, you may find yourself periodically thrown into the doghouse of love by some female Cruella de Vil. Eventually, you will amass enough sympathy from your male friends to invoke Rule 21. Rule 21 of the Male Handbook states, “Men in good standing with the female population shall secure a date for any male friend that is in the midst of a dry spell that exceeds four weeks.” Further exacerbating the social stigma associated with being lovelorn, this arrangement is called the “blind date”. Do not take the word “blind” literally. The date will probably be able to see quite clearly, although possibly through the help of corrective lenses. This Man-uel will guide you through the nuances of executing a successful blind date.
The first step of the blind date is to set up the location. A park bench or other neutral location is optimal to scout out the prospective date using binoculars or other viewing tool. Upon viewing the subject, rate her on a scale of one to ten, with ten being out-of-this-world sexy. If she is a five or above, proceed with the date; anything below a five, you should take to your feet and console yourself by drinking large amounts of intoxicating fermented beverage. If you value the friendship of the one who set up the blind date you should call the prospect and offer a very reasonable excuse like, “I realize I am not completely over my last girlfriend, therefore I cannot commit to a new relationship. That would not be fair to you.”
When approaching the female unit, consider one’s own physical stature. If you are physically attractive (people don’t mind seeing you at the pool), then take off your shirt and jog to the prospective girlfriend, pretending you just finished a run. Your physical prowess will make her swoon. For added effect, pour Gatorade over your body to imitate Michael Jordan and other studly athletes. If you are fat, ugly, or pale, keep all your clothes on and display a façade of opulent wealth, which is the only other thing women are attracted to.
The meal is one of the most important aspects of the blind date. The best option is to take the lady back to your place. This is a two-fold strategy; food can be prepared quite cheaply in one’s own kitchen, and after-dinner-activities can be executed in the comfort of one’s own home. When you get to your home, show the woman the kitchen and let her do the woman’s work. This test will provide invaluable data to determine if the damsel would pass muster as a potential mate. Be polite and pre-select recipes for each of the courses she will prepare. It would be rude to put her on the spot to make such decisions on the first date. You, the male, may now proceed to your command station, the nearest La-Z-Boy, and watch ESPN or other sporting show, provided it is not NASCAR, fishing, or poker.
Unfortunately, because you are on the first date with this woman you are required to participate in that pre-mating ritual known as conversation. Since you are just getting to know the lady, this conversation should be conducted in the manner of an interview. Suggested questions include: What is your favorite color? What is your favorite animal? What is your salary? What is your relationship with your mother? What venereal diseases do you have? If you do not have a good memory it might be good to take notes on the female’s responses to these questions.
After the question and answer session, you may find the situation feels awkward and uncomfortable. Use appropriate humor to ease the tension. Many take offense to jokes about weather, lawn care, and the March of Dimes. Ethnicity is a popular non-controversial subject. You and your date can laugh about the plight of the lesser races. Other appropriate sources of humor are religion and politics.
The next step is to evaluate your date to determine the next option. You should judge her in several categories to determine whether you would like to ask her on another date or just show her the door. Evaluate all aspects of the meal including: preparation time, meal presentation, food taste, and kitchen cleanliness. Remember to use the information you gathered during the mealtime conversation to help make your decision. Also, factor in her attractiveness and amount of complaining she does. Before making your final verdict, you must be sure you are aware of her flaws. She is single and on a blind date for a reason. If she fails this test, waste no more of your time and politely escort her to the nearest exit. It is not too late to seek solace in large quantities of an intoxicating fermented beverage.
The final step in the Blind Date Program is every male’s favorite activity involving a person of the feminine sex. Due to the taboo nature of this activity, this guide cannot go into details about the actual act between two persons of the opposite sex. Chances are high that the woman will initially resist your efforts. This obstacle can be hurdled by giving the woman several intoxicating fermented beverages. Eventually, through a combination of intoxicating fermented beverage, begging, and possibly chloroform, you will achieve success to the highest degree. Taking photos, or better yet videos, can come in handy as visual proof of your accomplishment or an additional source of income.
This concludes The Man-uel for Blind Dates. The author, editor, and publisher of this document are not responsible for any restraining orders you may receive due to use of this guide. Second date advice is not available at this time because the state of Second Date has yet to be achieved by any of the research scientists participating in the production of this guide. Ten percent of all profits accrued from pictures taken during the final step of The Man-uel for Blind Dates should be remunerated to the Spurned Casanovas Society.
*This is satire. I do not appreciate nasty comments from people who took this seriously.
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